Can you photoshop a smile on my husbands face, he's pissed about doing pictures?

I photograph real life, so if he's that pissed, we're going to want to document this in its more purest form. He's going to remember the day his life was so bad that he was forced to take pictures with his loving family, the audacity! To answer your question, no ma'am, I can't. Listen, it'll be good for your soul one day to look back on these images and laugh about it.

Is it okay if my dog is in pictures with us? He bites but we'll try to keep him contained.

For $650 a session, absolutely I would love to get my face ripped off by your dog, sign me the hell up, I'm there. I shit you not, this was an actual question I have received so it needed to make the FAQ cut. Hell no, if your dog has bit one person, sometimes bites or only bites at sudden movements, when I touch you or when I'm standing, when I'm sitting or just in the area, the dog needs to be locked up, the whole.damn.time.

Can ___ come? They just got a new camera and want to practice.

While I love that your sisters cousins aunts uncles ex wife's daughter in law from her previous marriage loves photography and wants to practice, please don't allow others to stand behind me photographing the same thing. This is different than behind the scenes photos you or your family might grab, I LOVE those. But not the ones where that person says "wait, can you do that again, I missed it."

So I layed out at the beach for 1459 hours yesterday and now I have harsh sunburn lines, can i wear this strapless top?

(clears my throat). Bless your heart. No.

Once I see you get into your car after our shoot, is it okay for me to call you to see if you're done editing them yet or not?

This applies to my sister. I shit you not, I wouldn't have even bagged up my gear and she's asked me to see sneak peaks. I love it so much that now she asks me every time. I mean it when I say I love traditions, all of them.

I know you shoot documentary, but can we spend 90% of our time with posed images?

While I do grab a few formal images for you to have, 99.9%. of your session is unposed. Think you're going to trick me once I get there? Not happening, remember who runs photoshop and who doesn't, cards are in my hands. Just kidding, but seriously, it's unposed. Hear me out, you don't want a bunch of posed shit.

since you're here photographing my kids, I'm just going to run out to the store, i'll be back later.

Um, no. Unless you want me to tack on babysitting fees, I'm gonna need you to hang on out with us until I'm done.

my son won't get out of the spiderman costume, what do i do?

Let him rock the hell out of that costume, that's what you do. In 20 years you'll be thankful you allowed this moment not only to take place, but to be documented, to spend money on it, to invest in these memories. Now if he's in his 40s and wants to do the same thing, hunny I'm tagging out on that one, good luck.

I have six chins, can you edit out 4.28 of them?

Damn it, this question all the time. All sarcasm aside, I wish you could see how gorgeous and loved you are from your children's eyes. A loving personality will outshine looks any day of the week. Please for the sake of your session and for these images with your babies, relax and love who you are, I promise you'll be so thankful you did. But also, I'm not a fucking magician.